Wow. Hard to belive 14 years have passed. But today is my last day at the AJC. It's been quite an adventure with many ups and many downs, but thru it all I've gained so many experiences that will help me out when my severance ends in about 15 weeks.

Due to the terms of my separation agreement I'm not allowed to talk bad about the AJC. Nothing derogatory. Can't divulge and "trade secrets" (like I know any!). As long as I remain a good girl, I'll be eligible for re-hire at the paper, plus there's still some opportunities available at the parent company COX Enterprises.

So with that said I am so glad I was able to transition at the Journal. The company was kinda puzzled when I told them of my plans, but I did it right and informed them well before hand and not just showed up the day after Halloween dressed "enfemme" like a certain someone we know who was fired from the Georgia State Capitol. In my case we worked up a plan and a time line and set up meetings and got everyone comfortable with me transitioning. Everything went smooth and fine and I spent my final year here as Wendie.

Some memories of the old AJC:
* Starting the month before the Olympics. Thrown to the wolves and succeeded. I worked as a sales assistant to our Automotive Classified team and worked with quite a few Atlanta car dealers. They were great. They were sometimes mean. I took on the attitude of "sometimes they have bad days, so don't take it personally" unlike a few other sales assistants int the department. A few of the dealers would cal and rip off the dirtiest, off-color jokes and would hang up even before I could say "hello, ajc automotive class..." They would call back a few moments later while I was still on the floor laughing and make me tell the joke to my AE's before they would buy anything for the week.

* The Olympics. Worked downtown for all of it! Wow! What fun!

* AutoShows. I've been 10 12 of them. The preview parties were always off the hook! Free food. Free booze. Beautiful models. And the cars weren't too bad either.

* Lunch on Broad St. Watching my friend Murph rubberneck all the college girls and succeed in getting some of their digits.

* The bomb scares we used to get. The produced a memo on how to handle the bomb caller if we ever received the call. Strangely, run like hell was never on that list.

* The movie screenings. The free passes to ball games. Theater tix. All faded away as the economy declined. But we sure saw a lot of really great shows.

* Being the interim creative manager of our marketing department during one of the busiest summers EVAR! Led out team through some trying times and produced 12 major campaigns with my team of six. One campaign was a car give away where we gave away one car a month for each of the Atlanta Braves decades. 60's - Mustang, 70's - TransAm, 80's - Corvette, 90's Camaro, 00's - Wrangler. I can definitely land a Associate Creative Director job! Or at least a Studio Manager! Oh please!

So what is in the plans for me? I don't know. I'm just so happy to be moving on. Evne though I wanted to retire here, there is so much more out there. Plus I can move on to another job (career!) where no one will know of my past. (Except for what I choose to tell them!) Clean break. New start. New horizons.

And with the love of my life, Sabrina, by my side, I will succeed!

Good bye AJC. Good luck! You need it more than me.

It's actually one year to the day. One year of starting my life over. Rebooting. Going in a different direction entirely. And it seems like it's a good time to look back at how far I've come.

So the day after Memorial Day last year was the day I started living full-time as Wendie. (The official name-change didn't happen until July.) I have loved every minute of it. No more being scared. No more off-chance that someone would discover my secret. I'm me. Finally!

Let's take a quick look back --

( Read more )

So, pretty much everyone knows that I was still grieving the loss of my wiener-dog George. It looks like my grieving has finally passed and I can now mention his name with out busting out in tears. He was a great dog. He saved my life that night I was attacked by that pair of pit-bulls in our yard. He gave his life for my safety and I will always remember that. His love for me was unconditional and I returned my love as much as I could. I miss you George.


So guess what I finally did? We found a perfect companion to live with us. Meet Glinda Goodwitch. She came to us from a local K-9 rescue. I just happened to be walking past one of those weekend adopt-a-dog things at PetSmart and there she was. Our little Glinda ...


A little back story ... apparently she was abandoned at a Goodwill. Just in a box along with some other boxes of stuff people dropped off. The manager of the store found her when he opened up for the day. She was tiny. Malnourished. Not very well off. He took her in and helped bring her back to health with his partner and fostered her for the K-9 Rescue group that put her up for adoption. The foster dads took excellent care of her and provided us with a crate too! She's 50% housebroken and doing quite well in those regards for a 4 month old.


What is she? Not sure. We're thinking beagle-dachshund-hound sorta thing. They think that she'll get to 50 pounds or so. Wasn't quite what we were looking for, but it's funny how life throws you such a wonderful little curve ball. (Me and Sabrina can both attest to that.)

Jinkies! I haven't posted anything since December? Gawd I'm lazy. Or easily distracted. Not much on my mind except to say thanks to everyone who came out to my birthday party last month. We had so much funz! And thanks for the gifts too! I'm still trying to figure out who sent the edible bouquet. Tamara I think it said. Well thanks for that Tamara!

Other than that, boobs are settling nicely. Scar on my neck is fading. Boobs. Still working on getting my vocal range back since my higher pitches were damaged during the trachea scrape. Boobs. Hehehehehe ... boobies. The novelty will never wear off.

So i gotta be somber here for a bit. It's been a bit over two years since he left my life and I still am having mega-issues with it. Me and my therapist have pretty set my course for Wendie and my transgender counseling. It's time to move on to my bigger issue. She suggests that I take about 15 minutes once a day, a week or whatever to have "timed" or "planned" grieving since I never got help back on that fateful nite he was killed. I've discussed with Sabrina and she's all in to help me with this. We want to get a dog for ourselves, but I'm still not ready for that responsibility again.

So let's start with how i got him ... happy thoughts!

George Washington Goers. Wonder Dachshund.

Back in 2000 when I was getting ready to marry the now-ex we had discussed getting a dog. I had always loved the dachsies and started asking friends who were also dachsie owners the best way to get a hold of a pair. They all suggested the pet rescue sites and we saw them ... two-year-old brother and sister George and Martha Washington from Knoxville, TN. Deathrow at the city pound.

This would not do! We put in our application immediately and they put us under review. They had been pulled from the pound and were already on route to Atlanta to be placed in foster care until an adoptive family was found. Great! We were contenders! What we didn't know was a few days later they were going to do a house visit to see if we were suitable for them. Nope! Ours. Done.

Here these two little dogs come running up our stairs into our lives. And into our bedroom. And onto our bed. And to pee on our pillows. A match made in heaven.

They were both scrawny little dogs. 16 pounds a piece. Full-sized dachsies. Not those annoying mini-dachs that you see. Martha was pure red. George was red and black with an apple dome head and an Eddie Munster hairline. A little bruiser with a big heart. He instantly attached himself to me and I had found my new BFF.

So the story of why they were on death row? Elderly couple. Died. Redneck family didn't want the dogs. Took them to a nasty dog pound. George was deemed to aggressive and needed to be put down. Too aggressive? Not this little guy curled up on my lap, snoring. As we found out later he had a few neurosis ... 1. caged, he hated tight spaces. 2. people in uniform, namely surgical scrubs. 3. overprotection of his sister, a fact of his alpha-male qualities that would come into play a few years later on the fateful night. One thing was for sure he found his alpha ... me?

So we'll keep these next few grief sessions lite and happy. And why am I making these public? I've never really been able to share out loud what was really going on inside my head. Thanks for being patient friends.

hopefully soon i'll be updating that userpic with a more proper Hooter's girl pic.

so that was interesting. never been knocked out before they walk you into the OR before. i just remember going into shock when they inserted the IV. gave me the sleepy stuff and next thing i remember is the nurse feeding me ice chips, bitching at me not to chew them and to wake up. I got sick? i wake up to the vision of my black-haired love gazing into my eyes. I mumble my best "it's an angel!" and pass back out. things are a bit blurry after that. i kinda remember giving directions to a lost Sabrina so we could find Murph's house. and then it was Tuesday. or Wednesday?

so something we noticed. they didn't insert the implants thru the armpits like we agreed. they went under breast. not happy about that. at the follow up on friday we asked the doc about that and he said that we had agreed to go under the breast and that he didn't like to go thru the pits with how large I went. what? huh? oh well. nothing in writing that says the way they were to be inserted. both our bad. i've got boobs! 750cc on the left. 780cc on the right.

i was pretty much sick all weekend. nothing a little calcium nitrate wouldn't solve. back out to get them on monday. follow up appointment at the doctors today. time to change the dressings on the incisions.

i do not know what i would have done without my old buddy murph here to help out. granted i slept pretty much all the time but he was sure enjoying Mortal Combat vs. DC Universe. got my 'Sploder back from him on Friday and tried to run some errands alone. that didn't last too long. did wear my first cami top. wow!!!!!

so am i enjoying them? hell yeah! too sensitive to touch still and i've gotta massage and oil them three times a day to get them to settle into place. there is some sensation here and there but for the most part just two enormous saline sacks under my chest. with a big old yellow bruise between. give 'em time. give 'em time.

so yeah. trachea shave went ok too. i'll find out more when we change the bandages today. at least my voice is coming back.

so Sabrina just walked in the room again. i just flash her my famous smile. i love her so much.

Well thank you everyone for the well wishes and support you have been expressing to me and Sabrina. I know she was just as nervous as I was, especially since we have waited this long to find each other.

A few things i had noticed about the procedure ...

they were supposed to install them by going thru the armpits. I really did not want the scarring under my new breasts with that tell-tale sign of IMPLANTS! I guess I will be chewing their heads off during the follow up visit on friday to find out what happened.

I was insisting for the 800cc's. they wanted to install 600cc's. at least i got 750cc's. but here's the weird part ... 750 on the left. 780 on the right. huh????? Wendie is now a DD at least!

recovery is actually going quite well. Murph and Sky have been over everyday.You couldn't ask for a better friend. such a good friend that i have asked him to be one of my groomsmen during the wedding.




which brings me to another thing unrelated to the augmentation. Sabrina proposed. and in true sabrina fashion it was a grand affair. how often can one say that they were brought up on stage during a burlesque show and be asked to marry them? my answer was of course yes! i was totally not prepared for this! i was so happy and so full of love that i just wanted to burst out in tears. (so did she apparently.) this has been such a crazy year this year. I wouldn't give it up for the world! (thanks Derek for capturing the moment!)



so anyhoooooo. thanks everyone for yourthoughts and prayers. Wonder Wendie will soon be back in action!

So the countdown is on! Monday, Dec. 15 starts the dawning of Wendie 3.0. I'm getting some work done and finally getting something I've wanted since puberty. Bye-bye trachea! Welcome boobies! 800cc's of fun! Yay! Well the first few weeks after the surgery won't be fun, but next summer is swimsuit time. Wow! So many of my dreams have come true this year!

And it was a good thing I hoarded all my vacation and sick time this year. I'm using up my remaining vacation and sicktime and will be off of work (paid!) from Dec. 10 until Jan. 2. Yes, I still had 17 paid days off remaining to use in mid-November! If I don't use them all by Dec. 31st, I lose 'em. Who knows if I'll still have a job when I come back to work on Jan. 2? Don't really care. I hope to have the websites up and running while I'm recovering and get my resume back out there! I've put it off for too long. 13 years was enough and my future at the company is so unclear.

It's too bad I'll be missing some excellent Christmas parties. But at least I'll be able to help out at the Syrens show on Dec. 13. And I'll be spending Christmas with the woman I love instead of doing the family thing which has always been a total nightmare of logistics and fighting. Plus, we'll be creating our own traditions this year for Christmas ... and New Year's for that matter!

I really look forward to 3.0. It's gonna be good!

so a lot of my old high school classmates have finally been finding out about the new me. rather than rewrite the whole story, i've started copy/pasting the last letter i wrote. get's lengthy, but i didn't spare the details. i thought i'd just share with all of you how i got to here. and yes, i know dear old mom is monitoring my blog and sending out family "spies" to see what's going on with my life, but i don't really care. so here goes ...

-----------------------

Obviously you know what's new in by life. I guess word has been getting around? So let's begin!

Perhaps you didn't know I was a crossdresser at an early age? I started out in gradeschool at about 8 or 9 years old. (Started earlier from what my mom told me about how my dad's parents wanted a grandaughter and dressed me as such when I was a toddler, but I don't remember that.) In used to do it off and on until I was caught in the 7th grade by my dad. Well, they were stunned and thought I was suicidal and sent me to therapy. Being so scared and confused I lied my way thru and focused on hating my dad. Fast forward to high school ... while working at Eagle, I started shoplifting makeup and girly stuff. I was never caught by the store, but my mom found my stash in my room. She thought it was a bag of marijuana. Much to her surprise ... makeup. She swore I was sick and tried to get me to talk to a counselor. I came up with an excuse that it was behind me and I started dating Gina to prove that I was a "normal" all-american, nerdy guy.

I never did dress again until 1996 ... a few years after I moved to Atlanta. I had just broken up with my fiance Jenni. Was living alone. Bored. Lonely. Started searching for porn on this wonderful new internet thing. I stumbled upon transsexual porn. "What was this?" I thought. Soon I found myself ordering womens clothes and makeup and shoes and wigs and breastforms and started dressing again.

a few years go by. I did the normal binge and purge cycle that most crossdressers and transvestites go thru. my last purge happened the nite i was to meet some online friends out in public as wendie for the first time. on the way to this gay/lesbian transgender (tg) friendly club I found out that it was bombed. I was so scared! I could have been killed! or injured! i immediately went home and purged for my last time. (or did I?)

I met my now-ex wife Tara a few weeks later at match.com. we started dating and she moved in within a few months. she was fun! she was exciting! she made me forget all about wendie. so I tucked it all away and hoped that the desires would go away. we were married two years later, but by then the relationship was falling apart and i was just living on hope that things would improve. they never did. depression started setting in. we grew distant. there was never any intimacy and in fact we never consummated the marriage until after our 6th year anniversary. by then it was too late. wendie was starting to reappear.

towards the end of the marriage we were barely sleeping in the same room together. she was always mad at me. lying to our friends right in front of me that we had a great sex life and that children might be on the way. i was tired of the act. tired of the pain. on top of that we also had some major trauma in our life. my grandfather died, our house was broken into, lost a ton of money in the mutual funds, Mustang got smashed into while parked in my garage by a stolen car, attacked by a pair of pittbulls and watched in horror as my weinerdog George defended me and gave his own life to save me and his sister Martha. i retreated further and further into myself. to top it off, my wife at the last minute decided to go to Nashville for her 35th birthday with her girlfriends and not invite her own husband or even let me try to plan her a party.

well about that same time i started flirting with a few of her girlfriends and told them of our living situation. one of them as it turns out had a little crush on me and was feeling a bit estranged from her husband and we hooked up on a tennis court in a public park one night. it felt so nice to be wanted and she was a pretty kinky girl. we only had oral and we tried to hook up a few more times, but it wasn't really in the cards. we started texting and IMing each other about roll playing and some pretty kinky fetishistic stuff.

it was pretty close to halloween and my wife had volunteered me to participate in a charity halloween costume function. In was going to do the Justin Timberlake "Dick in a Box" costume. as it turns out this was the same time when I was doing the rollplaying chat with the friend. I told her I wanted to do something else. something out of character for me. something shocking that would mess with everyone's world. I would use the JT costume as a decoy for my real costume. Wendie would come back to life as a Hooter's Girl. just for halloween. i didn't tell the friend about my past ... but she was all for it! the plan went into motion.

So while I was out shopping the thrift stores for my JT costume, I would find myself wandering up and down the women's clothing aisles. I knew my size already and started buying women's clothing. Halloween is one of the only times of the year that a closeted crossdresser can get away with buying women's clothing. (it IS our national holiday you know!) I grabbed everything i could and hid it in plain sight at our house. she never looked or found it. she never knew. Halloween day she changed my plans for me and wanted me to pick her up and drive us both together to the party. I had already made plans that day to go get acrylic nails, shave my body, and get ready. I was just going to meet her there and surprize everyone. I folded and got ready in time to leave before she got home. Wendie was out in the public for the first time! I ran a few errands and brought her some McD's. I walked into our bedroom and stood outside of the bathroom where she was getting ready and asked her if she was ready to see my new costume. She said sure and in I walked as a Hooter's girl. she was floored and did not even recognize me. She had never seen me without a goatee or even facial hair. She actually thought I was going to them party dressed as her! (I was actually much prettier.) She almost boycotted me going, but we went anyway assuring her that this was just a joke (my Hooter's name badge said "Amanda" get it???) at the party all of our friends were floored. they had no idea it was me. i was so happy! so free! I was Wendie!

that was one year ago this month. a lot has happened since then. I went from being a married part-time closeted crossdresser to being a full-time Male-to-Female transsexual in a matter of seven months. I got our marriage annulled, legally changed my name to Wendie Lauren and met the most wonderful girl (another trans-girl, in fact!) who moved in with me even before my marriage was officially over. I'm transitioning at my workplace (worked at the paper for 13 years and counting!) with my employers consent and have not looked back.

I am so happy these days. So at peace with myself. I am truly becoming the person I was meant to be. I've got confidence. I've got charisma. Plus at 6'2" in flat shoes, I really stand out in a crowd. Do I care what people think of me? Not really. Am I ashamed of who I am? Not at all. Do I regret not doing this sooner? Hrmmmmm ...

Regret. Sure. I feel bad about deceiving so many of my friends and family and not telling them about my female side all these years. Sure. I've wanted children. But this is the new me. I can only look back these days to see how far I've come rather than dwell on past mistakes. A lot of relationships and friendships I've had have been destroyed. Namely the estrangement from my family. But the way I see it is that with everything I stand to gain these days, I stand a chance to lose equal or more. All that matters now is my happiness and moving forwards again with my life.

------------------------------------

so there we have it. who else might be spying on me? my ex? her friends? i hope so!

'till next time!

so after 5 weeks of physical therapy and 7 weeks after the tiki-god curse, i have found out that my "torn bicep tendon" is actually a fracture in my shoulder.

wasn't visible on the xray. wasn't my rotator. ultrasound and electro-stim and deep tissue massages and physical therapy and doing the required exercises and stretching was making it hurt worse. (with the ultrasound I wonder why?)

pain still there. time for the MRI. MRI showed the fracture in the shoulder under the deltoids. the ultrasound and electro was making it worse! great. at least i won't be wasting $75 a week going to PT. now 4 more weeks of recovery. no lifting things above my head. no sling. no pain meds. great.

thanks Tiki gods! (well actually, thanks to me for taking them!)

well, it's not looking good. i'm in my second week of physical therapy and the pain will not go away! and it's been three weeks since i fell down those stairs at D*C. it's looking like i've got a torn ligament in my bicep. at least it's not my rotator cuff, but still bloody hell! ouchies! i hope i won't be needing surgery. must soldier on through my exercises ...

So my dearest Sabrina is a-ok. I need to keep her off her feet for the next 48 hours which should be funz. Damn! That girl is constantly in motion! I'll just keep her on a steady diet of tomato soup and valium. That's the ticket. I just wish I would have bought that naughty nurse outfit, but I don't think an aroused state is in order for our patient at this time.

So do I mind emptying out the pee container? No. Do I mind checking her bloody incision even though it is an inappropriate place? Nope. Do I mind lifting her up even with my torn bicep tendon? Not at all. Why? Because I truly love my little roller coaster. And we'll be each others side for the rest of our lives. She is a brave and remarkable woman.

So thanks everyone for the well-wishes and prayers and funny comments. We both really appreciate it. Sabrina will be back in no time.

Now about those earrings ...

So as we all remember I took that nasty fall down the stairs at Dragon*Con. So starts the saga of the tiki god. Much like the Brady Bunch episode where Bobby ended up with the tiki god idol bringing the family bad luck, I too have angered the tiki gods. Let's start Thursday night at Trader Vic's, shall we. We had much to drink. Namely me. I couldn't help my self when we were leaving. The were just sitting there on the table unattended. My purse was wide open. Zip-zap-fwoosh. The tiki salt and pepper shakers ended going back to the Hyatt with me. Next thing you know I'm falling down the stairs. Coincidence? I think not! One weel later and I'm still in intense pain. Looks like I'll be paying a visit to Trader Vic's here again real soon. Or mebbe just drive by and throw them out the car window in Trader Vic's general direction.

a big rambling update. it's been a while. what's up? a whole hell of a lot.

so you're wondering what's new on my spat with my mom. she sent a few more emails doing her half-assed apology-blame yourself thing again. you know the ones that say "I'm sorry that you think ... " i started replying back in a long email that got way too out of control and way too angry. i stopped short of sending it and just replied back that i had received her emails and that I wasn't ready to respond to her. that's where I have left it. and the truth i I have no idea when I'll be ready to respond back. she really, really hurt me this time. and when she hung up on me that night and said goodbye, I was totally prepared to be abandoned by my family. and accepted it. now she wants back in? sorry. not ready to do that. i had already moved on. much like everything in my transition ... I keep moving forward. if something is in the way, I've just been plowing thru. no backing up and retreating. this will probably be the last time I discuss this until I decide to talk to her again.

ok. Dragon*Con. WOW! so much fun! apart from our Trek outfits getting totally fubar'd it was great! I've never experienced anything like it before. and I know we'll be making a repeat performance again next year. everything went flawless until the girl behind me in the stairwell complemented me on how well I was traversing the stairs in my Mary Marvel go-go boots. yup. on queue. I tumbled down the last 4 steps before we got to the lobby. couldn't move my arm for a few minutes. great. nice. thanks. at least i didn't re-injure my just healed tailbone. (thank you hormones for developing my plump ass!) so i toughed it out. booze was my friend. went to the ER the next afternoon hoping it wasn't broken or anything. we thought i might have a torn rotator cuff. all it might be is bruising to the cartilage between the shoulder and humerus. Doc. G gave me some exercises to do before we send me to PT. all in all it was a humorous, but painful moment.

what next on the agenda? gotta scrape up some money for the augmentation. boobs. next step in the evolution. boobs. but how to scrape up that kind of cash. i'm still paying for the LAZIK. and money is really tight right now. boobs. plus the docs at the plastic surgeons office also showed me some "while we're at it" pics. i did want the trachea shaved. yes! hairline lowering. sure. (no greys. not balding. even at 38! yay!) but shaving the bosai (the brow) region to smooth it out? didn't think it was necessary. boobs. but wow! and a nose job? holy crap what a difference! about $18K for all of this? uhhhhhhhh ... ima thinking i better stick to the trachea and boob jobs for now. that will only set me back about $7K. now how big to go???? hrmmmmmm ... the boob doc was trying to convince me that i will only need 500cc bags. boobs. ima thinking that might be a wee bit to small for me. im 6'2" after all. i kind of stick out in a crowd. boobs. might as well go big 'cause i'm not going home! i'm pushing for the 750cc bags at least. yay!!! boobies! boobs.

so where does that leave me with my mustang? for those of you who didn't know i've got a 1969 Mustang Mach 1 R-Code sitting in my garage. perfect body. not running. just needs re-assembly and all the "go" parts. (wheels, tires, exhaust, starter, alternator, etc.) it will more than like like set me back another $5-10K to get her up and running. i've owned this car since 1984 and it has always been my dream to drive her again. i haven't driven her since 1994 when i first put her in restoration. now. the big question. the car as she sits is worth close to $25-40K. if she still had her 428CJ engine she would be worth closer to $90K, but that's moot. i've been trying to convince myself to keep her and get her running, but lately I have had no time at all to work on her. and plus she's actually been taking more damage sitting than on the open road. (long story but a stolen car rammed the garage a few years back.) sell her? i really don't want too, but i'm thinking i just might have to. selling her will solve so many problems these days. plus, perhaps in a few years i can get the opportunity to buy another one? someone else, i'm sure would love to get her up and running, but she needs someone to treat her right and get her back out there and running. seems as though my mind is made up? too bad ... me and Sabrina would have looked pretty good out cruising in the old girl. sad.

so that's about it. Phobia is coming up tomorrow (9/5) and it's gonna be fun! see ya!

here's another step in my evolution, re-invention.

I've always had this phobia of needles and blood. i've always had to put up with my ex desiring to get another tattoo and whining about how much it hurts for days on end. secretly, I've always wanted to get one myself. but my old life would never allow it. perhaps my old life would allow a Chicago Cubs logo if they ever would win the World Series, but I don't really want to wait until i'm 80 before that happens.

what I get?

well I've always loved the letter "W" for obvious reasons. just a neat letter. there's some nice logos out there that use it ... Weezer, Westinghouse, Willys-Overland to name a few. but my favorite of all time has always been the Wonder Woman flying w. hey!, I'm an Amazon! she's tough and smart and beautiful. it's perfect! Wonder Wendie it is!

ok, now I've dealt with pain before ... two hernia surgeries, a case of shingles, two rounds of kidney stones, Lazik, and even facial laser hair removal. but OMFG! I won't go into details, but the artist couldn't finish due to me going into shock. i never new getting a tramp stamp would hurt so much. i've got to say i'm definitely not a masochist!

well, i'm not one to give up and this is the new me. i will get this tat finished next weekend. all that's left is the yellow fill. perhaps this next time some pain killers will be in order before I go in?

I'm thinking so.

ok, now why hadn't i done this before? sure it was scary as your vision turns black for five seconds and they slice a flap in your cornea and shoot a laser beam in your eye for 30 seconds all the while your eyelids are pried open sans "Clockwork Orange" but it was worth it. 5-10 minutes. zap-zap. done. i'm now 20/20 in my right eye and 20/25 in my left. they did say i need to go back in 6 months to touch it up since my astigmatism was so bad, but big deal. yippee!

sorry i crushed your fingers while you were holding my hand during the procedure Sabrina. i'm sure the elephant-man hand deformity will go away pretty soon.

i had a dream last night that my brother and his wife had a baby, but they died in a crash soon after and had left me as the guardian. my mom was taking me to court to fight for custody saying that i was crazy and unsuitable to raise the child. very sad. I'm still a bit upset.

even though it was a dream, I think it says a lot about how I am feeling about my mother these days and what I think she thinks about me. this all goes back to the guilt trip she left me about not having grandkids. I already regret the fact that I don't have kids. I'd be a great parent, but it just isn't in the cards for me at this time.

now let's start diagnosing my re-occurring tornado dreams ...

so today was the day i legally changed my name to Wendie.

yay!

it was really uneventful. showed up to the courtroom. old name was called. got up. judge said hi. signed the order. an old lady i was talking to gave me a bic lighter as a gift. got certified copies.

done.

now the fun begins as i get the M changed to F on my drivers license and social security cards. i've heard some of the horror and good stories of getting tht done. it all depends on the clerk you see and time of day you get to the DDS. i heard a couple of my buds got it changed, but were called back to change it back. has the DDS caught on? it'll be a chance i'm gonna take. especially when me and Sabrina tag-team the clerk and sweet talk our way into changing it.

so what's new on the mom front?

well. i remember someone replying back that she would try to pull me back into her life by using a "family crisis." well, they were right. my mom the drama queen emailed me twice. to two of my other email accounts that do not use wendie as the email addy to let me know that she went to visit my rich cousing in wisconsin in his mansion with perfect wife and two wonderful daughters. (guilt trip mom? really?) then she emailed again saying that my step dad had an emergency collonoscopy and they need to rush some tests thru.(and so it begins.) so how should i respond to this? after much thought ... let's say a day ... i'ma gonna wait for her to call. not respond. sure i'm concerned for him. and i've actually known him longer than my own father now. and he treats her well. but this passive-agressiveness from her is not gonna work anymore. and does she think I'm turning back and becoming my old self again? nope. not-gonna-happen.

period.

so other than that what a full week. overtime at work. took a day off. had storm damage on the house and had to file an insurance claim. opened a joint checking account with my new name and Sabrina as the joint-ee. working the Burlesque show again on Saturday. laser hair removal. plus have three or four house projects in progess as well.

busy.

busy.

busy.

see yas!

so as most of you know from reading about it at Sabrina's LJ about how the "Meet the Parents" weekend went. I won't really bore you with the details about what went down ... she summed it up pretty good. and I really appreciate all the god advice and outpourings of emotion with the situation. so now it's time for me to chime in....

WTF?

WHAT A CROCK!

HOLY HELL!

BULL SHIT!

Ya know, my mom always raised me to accept diversity. Embrace those that are different. Don't poke fun. Put yourself in their shoes. Be myself. Here I am finally after all these years expressing my true feelings. Becoming the person I've always wanted to be and known that I am. And she labels me as a side-show freak?

Hey mom! What happened to telling me that if I would have come out to you when I was a teenager you would have raised me as your daughter? How about this ... I'm almost 40 now and you don't run my life. You don't know my new-found happiness. You haven't seen my confidence. And I guess you never will.

Hey mom! That was sure a chicken-shit way of telling me how you feel. I just realized that I used to do that. But ever since Sabrina, the true love of my life, convinced me that's not the correct way to express yourself, I've been trying my damnist not to do that anymore. I've internalized too much crap in my life. It destroyed several other relationships. And it looks like it just destroyed one of the strongest bonds ever known. The one between a mother and her child.

Hey mom! About that child thing. You can just refer to me as your child from now on. I will only acknowledge that. Not son. Not my former name. I was willing to work with you and the family on that. Compromise. You remember that? It's something I've been re-learning as well. Get a flipping clue. I'm not the same child that you raised. And no you're not a bad mother. You really did an excellent jorb! I never smoked, did drugs, thrown in jail, a lot of the bad things. You kept my nose clean and I really appreciate that. I've now entered an amazing period of my life. So much to see! So much to learn. So much to grab and run with.

I've been given the advice as to not look back and regret past mistakes. Look back and see how far I've come. I'd like to add that you still need to learn from the past, but never forget where you came from. With your recent denouncement of me, it really makes me want to forget about my past, but it's something I won't let go. Sure. Let go of the bad memories. Hold onto the good ones. It's what created me. Molded me. Makes me a more well-rounded person.

So with saying all of that, I wish I could tell her good bye as well. Sure, I'll take her phone call if she decides to talk again, but I'm not gonna put forth the effort to fix the ties. And if she does call, it's on my terms from now on. No more drama. Just the truth. And it will hurt. And if she still won't accept me for being me. So be it. Life is too short.

So what am I getting at with this post? Just venting. Just letting you all know that everything is gonna be OK.

Love ya all! And thanks!

So this weekend me and Sabrina are making a road trip to Nashville to meet my mom at the Good Guys Rod & Custom Show. It'll be the first time my step-dad has met Wendie and only the second time that my mom has met me. "On top of that it will be the first time for Sabrina to meet my parents. Nervous? We both are, of course! I'm a bit more relaxed than Sabrina and understandably.

So here's a question. Driving music. Any suggestions for loading up the 6 CD changer in Bettie? Fours there and back. We leave at 5 am Saturday morning.